I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
