I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
