I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I can't turn off my feet"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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