And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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