guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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