I can text with my tongue
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
