Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
