Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
