If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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