We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
