I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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