thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize