gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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