i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't put those talents on a resume
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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