To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
