at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
