Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
