Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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