The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
