then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
