I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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