don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
