If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
