my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
