You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
