If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
