My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
