My cat gives me a boner
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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