I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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