I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
