Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Oh god it's open bar.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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