I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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