you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
