90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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