my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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