How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
