I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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