Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
