Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
