i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
