turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
