I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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