is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
