Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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