My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
