I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
