i just wanna soil my oats bro
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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