HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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