Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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