i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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