It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
