Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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