I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
