it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
