Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
