Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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