my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
