I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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