would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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