I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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