Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
