I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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