it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
