i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
