Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
