I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
