Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
